Mitch Hedberg ( 10 of 29 )
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she read more
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna read more
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them read more
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because read more
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you read more
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different read more
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
