A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one read more

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a read more

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, read more

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

What do you mean, funny? Funny-peculiar or funny ha-ha?

What do you mean, funny? Funny-peculiar or funny ha-ha?

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy read more

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you read more

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self-two read more

The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self-two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation.