Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such read more

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.