I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?