Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you read more

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy read more

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, read more

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different read more

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

The most protean aspect of comedy is its potentiality for transcending itself, for responding to the conditions of tragedy by read more

The most protean aspect of comedy is its potentiality for transcending itself, for responding to the conditions of tragedy by laughing in the darkness.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, read more

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has read more

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages